Femininity

I watched Hannah Gadsby's Netflix special recently. Her show went beyond self-deprecating jokes into a deeper analysis of how society fails people on the fringes. You felt her anger at injustice and sensed her sincere desire for humanity to do better and be better. You laughed because she timed her jokes exactly right. You are taken aback when she reveals the intentional omissions to the material she shared earlier on. You're prompted to reflect and feel uncomfortable. Thoughtful, targeted scrutiny is an unlikely characteristic of a stand up comedy show.

In the special, Gadsby cracks a joke about the time a man wanted to beat her up for chatting up his girlfriend. Her gut wrenching conclusion to that initial punchline comes over 30 minutes later when you least expect it and shocks the audience into silence. Her ensuing statement about her lack of femininity and how that influenced what happened is a lot to take in.

I reflected a fair bit on her comments about femininity. The feminine typically refers to the expected physical characteristics of a woman. Femininity also tends to get a bad rap, associated with weakness and softness. It's telling that one of the most insulting things you can call a man is related to the feminine.

Physically, I am not what is considered conventionally feminine by East Asian and Western standards which tend to favour lighter skin tones and petite features. I have fairly broad shoulders and an angular facial structure. As a child, the typical refrain from my parents and well meaning relatives was to stay out of the sun and avoid getting tanner than I already was.

My memories around femininity are varied. My main reference point for how to dress and act while growing up were my two older brothers. I wore their hand-me-downs. I played with their toys when they weren't looking or lost interest in them. I had Barbie dolls too, but they didn't seem as interesting. On trips to the toy store I was always drawn to the superhero action figures aisles. I remember looking longingly at the action figures I couldn't have for whatever reason my parents articulated.

I recall how my mother used to make me wear dresses to Sunday Mass as a child. I would angrily throw a tantrum about how tight fitting they were, how suffocated I felt, to no avail. Eloquence when distressed is not a child's forte. When we had evening engagements or dinners to attend, the options were skirts or dresses. In my teenage years, my mother seemed to come around, allowing slacks and blouses for these events. 

Femininity in an all-girls school is all encompassing; everyone did it differently. No one except for the teachers and the occasional nun cared that you sat with your legs splayed out under your desk because it was more comfortable. We snapped our friends' bra straps for kicks, and changed in our classrooms after sweaty PE lessons. When our friends were going through a rough patch at home, we sat by them in some quiet corner of the school as they sobbed their eyes out. When you're in this environment for a decade, you develop a flexible, malleable understanding of what femininity means.

By the time I got to university, I could no longer run away from the fact that I liked women. Around the time I became more comfortable with my sexuality, I began to enjoy wearing dresses for me. I toyed with colour and patterns in my outfits, dyed my hair, and painted my nails. I discovered a stylistic freedom and femininity I hadn't given much thought to when preoccupied with adolescence. 

There is a bit of a stylistic conundrum that comes attached to being a gay woman. I questioned for a while if I dressed a certain way because I actually liked the femininity of an outfit, or because I wanted to avoid being identified as a lesbian. I wasn't comfortable with people I barely knew approaching me to ask if I was gay simply because of a tell, let alone because of something I was wearing. Butch lesbians and more masculine presenting queer women don't have this benefit of invisibility. Hannah Gadsby experienced this first-hand.

Needless to say, my relationship with femininity and its impact on my life has been a long and winding road. These days, I wear clothes I'm comfortable in and like. I balance the gentleness of empathy with firm rationality. It is a mistake to equate femininity with weakness and masculinity with strength. Femininity is and should be diversely portrayed.

Great Style

He was wearing a lightly stained apron at waist height over his Oxford shirt. The shirt sleeves were buttoned at the wrist and had creases at the elbows indicative of a long day at work. His top was carefully tucked into crisply ironed blue jeans. He stood behind the counter-top penning detailed notes into a black dog-eared notebook whenever he wasn't taking an order. He wore metal rimmed round spectacles that framed curious tentative eyes. He stood out because his co-workers were all in t shirts and jeans.

Sitting in a cafe by the windows watching people go about their lives is a lazy afternoon pastime of mine. You're just about guaranteed to have a tremendous variety of people walk on by. What you see people wearing depends on the time of day, weather, and season. What they wear is not the only thing that catches the eye, but more so, how they wear it.

When I first encountered The Sartorialist about a decade ago as a teenager, it was an eye opening foray into what clothing could do. Bill Cunningham was another favourite street photographer of mine. I eagerly absorbed their photographs of people from all over the world, dressed in such unique ways, but all encapsulating the essence of who they were. It wasn't about how expensive their outfits were. Many of them wore thrift store finds or even work uniforms. It was about how they pulled it off. They all shared one thing in common- an unquestionable sense of style.

It's quite difficult to pinpoint precisely what separates great style from the everyday. I've walked by people whose stylistic choices were assembled in such an avant-garde manner yet suited them perfectly. On the other hand, I admire the simplicity of someone flawlessly pulling off varying shades of black in an entire outfit. A fashion forward sensibility, although related, is distinguishable from style. While fashion relies on the trends of the day, style endures through the runway seasons. So what is great style? And how do we identify it?

The Person Wears The Clothes
People with distinct and exemplary style display a sense of ownership over their outfit choice. They wear their clothes; their clothes do not wear them. It's not exactly self-confidence I'm describing. The man I observed in the cafe didn't exude it. It's more so a level of comfort that comes with wearing clothes that are in tune with who you are.

Unspoken Impressions
We often interpret what a person is like based on what they wear and how they wear it. Their outfit informs our very first impressions before they ever utter a "hello." Someone might choose to meticulously fold their trouser legs or don boldly coloured overalls. Sometimes the very first glance of someone is enough to leave a lasting memory. Take Ms. Elizabeth Sweetheart in New York City who lives and breathes the colour green. Her reason is simple- it's the colour that inspires the most joy in her.

Physique
Last but most definitely not least, understanding how to accentuate or complement our physique. People of all shapes and sizes can demonstrate excellent style. A photographer at a wedding I recently attended was dressed in a classy beige romper, two DSLR cameras with huge lenses dangling from a leather harness criss-crossing her body. Somehow the sturdiness of the mahogany harness worked well with the delicate fabric of the romper. I saw how comfortable she was in the outfit while working long before I ever noticed the empty space where an arm would be.

There isn't a set path to dressing well. Finding what works for your taste in clothes, your physique, and the impression you want to convey can take a long time, and might very well evolve just when you think you've nailed it. Some of the people I know with the most distinct sense of style have been dressing that way for years while others have slowly overhauled their wardrobes as they go through different stages in life. Ms. Sweetheart's advice was apt- maybe we should just pick the clothes that make us feel the happiest!